Family Fun/Family Fun.iso/joke1/jokes_l/limerics.jok

Internet Message Format | 1992-01-07 | 20KB

From [e-mail] Wed Oct 18 19:05:07 1989
From: [e-mail] (Dan Hinojosa)
Subject: Re: HELP PLEASE!

Va negvpyr <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Ubjneq Fgrry) jevgrf:
|||Qbrf nalbar fgvyy unir n svyr gung jnf cbfgrq gb guvf tebhc n ybat
|||gvzr ntb---nobhg 1-1/2 gb 2 lrnef ntb?  Vg jnf n yvfg bs nobhg 500 gb 1000
|||qvegl yvzrevpx wbxrf.
|||V jbhyq TERNGYL NCCERPVNGR (V'z ba zl xarrf jura V'z fnlvat gung) vs fbzrbar
|||jbhyq znvy zr gur svyr....
||Zr gbb.....CYRNFR!
|Zr gbb, ZR GBB CYRNFR.

V whfg abj sbhaq zl yvfg. V'z abg fher vg vf gur bar lbh ner
ybbxvat sbe, ubjrire, vg nccrnef gb or pybfr. Guvf vf yvxryl gb or
bssrafvir gb n ahzore bs crbcyr... vs lbh zvtug or bssraqrq ol
sbhy ynathntr, sbhy gubhtug naq / be sbhy *, uvg 'a' abj.



Guvf vf n frevbhf znggre, qba'g tb ba vs lbh'er tbvat gb or cvffrq
bss...



Bxnl. Lbh'er ba lbhe bja abj...





There was a young lady from Kent
Whose nose was most terribly bent
One day she chose
To follow her nose
And nobody knows where she went!


    While Titian was mixing rose madder
    His model ascended the ladder
      Her position to titian
      Suggested coition
    So he mounted the ladder and had her

    There was a young girl from New York
    Who plugged up her quim with a cork
      A woodpecker or two
      Made the grade, it is true,
    But it totally baffled the stork.

    A broken-down harlot named Tupps
    Was heard to confess in her cups:
      "The height of my folly
      Was diddling a collie-
    But I got a nice price for the pups."        <animal husbandry>

    There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
    Who insists on a dozen a night.
      A fellow named Cheddar
      Had the brashness to wed her-
    His chance of survival is slight.

    A scandal involving an oyster
    Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
      She preferred it, in bed,
      To the count (so she said)
    'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.

    On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
    Was tatooed the price of her tail
      And on her behind,
      For the sake of the blind,
    Was the same information in Braille.        <clean?>

    Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
    "This must be our final adieu,
      For the vicar is slicker,
      And thicker, and quicker,
    And two inches longer than you."        <relig/internal rhyme>

    There was a young man named Laplace
    Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
      When they banged together
      They played "Stormy Weather"
    And lightning shot out of his ass.        <musical>

    There was a young man named Knute
    Who had warts all over his root.
      He put acid on these
      And now when he pees,
    He fingers the thing like a flute.

    A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
    Went down on her beau in the garden.
      He said, "Good lord, Tess,
      Don't swallow that mess "
    And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"

    An amazon giantess named Dunne
    Let a midget screw her for fun.
      But the poor little runt
      Was engulfed in her cunt
    And re-born as the twin of his son.

    A frustrated lady named Alice
    Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
      They found her vagina
      In North Carolina
    And bits of her tits were in Dallas.

    There was a young lady from Wheeling
    Who had a peculiar feeling.
      She laid on her back
      And tickled her crack
    And pissed all over the ceiling.

    A clever young man named Eugene
    Invented a jack-off machine.
      On the twenty-third stroke
      The goddam thing broke
    And beat both his balls to a creame.

    There was a young man from Racine
    Who invented a fucking machine.
      Concave or convex,
      It served either sex,
    But oh what a bitch to keep clean.

    There was a young man from Rangoon
    Who used to lament 'neath the moon
      That he had the luck
      To be born of a fuck
    That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.    <raunchy>

    The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
    Do an act in the nude on their knees.
      They crawl down the aisle
      While screwing dog-style,
    As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."    <music/theater>

    "Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
    "And told my wife to try it on top.
      She bounced for an hour,
      Till she ran out of power,
    And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."    <family>

    A greedy young lady from Sidney
    Liked it in up to her kidney,
      Till a man from Quebec
      Shoved it up to her neck--
    He really diddled her, didn' he?

    For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
    That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
      But the one remedy
      For contagious V.D.
    Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.

    A cute little twerp from Samoa
    Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
      It was good for keyholes
      And debutantes' peeholes
    But not worth a damn on a whoa.            <pd'e>

    A lusty young maid from Seattle
    Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
      Till she found a bull
      Who filled her so full
    It made both her ovaries rattle.        <animal husbandry>

    In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
    Complacently stroking his madam
      And loud was his mirth
      For on all of the earth
    There were only two balls and he had'em.

    There once was a horny old bitch
    With a motorized self-frigger which
      She would use with delight
      All day long and all night -
    Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.

    The new cinematic emporium
    Is not just a super-sensorium,
      But a highly effectual
      Heterosexual
    Mutual masturbatorium.

    There was a young man of Devizes,
    Whose balls were of different sizes.
      One was so small,
      It was nothing at all;
    The other took numerous prizes.

    A talented girl from Detroit
    Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
      She could squeeze her vagina
      To a pin-point or finer
    Or open it out like a quoit.

    There was a young royal marine,
    Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
      When he reached the soprano
      Out came only guano
    And his britches weren't fit to be seen.    <music>

    There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
    Whose people all thought her a virgin,
      Till they found her in bed
      With her twat very red,
    And the head of a kid just emergin'.

    There was a young girl from Samoa
    Who pledged that no man would know her.
      One young fellow tried,
      But she wriggled aside,
    And he spilled all his spermatozoa.

    There was a young lady named Wylde
    Who kept herself quite undefiled
      By thinking of Jesus;
      Contagious diseases;
    And the bother of having a child.

    That naughty old Sappho of Greece
    Said: "What I prefer to a piece
      Is to have my pudenda
      Rubbed hard by the enda
    The little pink nose of my niece."        <12th letter>

    There was a young lady from Norway
    Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
      She told her young man,
      "Get off the divan,
    I think I've discovered one more way "

    There was a young girl who begat
    Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
      T'was fun in the breeding
      But hell in the feeding
    When she found there's no tit for Tat.        <sic>

    A busy young lady named Gloria
    Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
      And then by six men,
      Sir Gerald again,
    And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.

    Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
    He tried to make love to a puma.
      Seems the puma, in play,
      Tore his testes away -
    - An example of animal huma.            <animal husbandry>

    A cautious young fellow named Lodge
    Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
      When his date was strapped in,
      He committed a sin,
    Without even leaving his grodge.        <sic/highway safety>

    To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
    "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
      Is your east tit the least bit
      The best of your west tit,
    Or is it a trick of perspective?"

    There once was a lady named Myrtle
    Who had an affair with a turtle.
      She had crabs, so they say,
      In a year and a day
    Which proved that that turtle was fertile.    <animal husbandry>

    There once was a fellow named Brewster
    Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
      "It used to be grand
      But look at my hand
    You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."    <marital discord>

    A petulant man once said, "Pish
    Your cunt is as big as a dish."
      She replied, "Why you fool,
      With your limp little tool,
    It's like driving a pin with a fish."

    There was an old man from Bengal
    Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
      His favorite trick
      Was to stand on his dick
    While he rolled around on one ball.

    There once was a fellow named Sweeney
    Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
      Not being uncouth,
      He added vermouth
    And slipped his amour a martini.        <aa>

    On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
    Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
      Not russian elite-
      She's eager to eat
    Whatever or whoever lays her.            <boston accent>

    There once was a maid from Mobile
    Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
      She only got thrills
      From pneumatic drills
    And an off-centered emery wheel.        <popular mechanics>

    There was a young fellow named Feeney
    Whose girl was a terrible meany.
      The hatch of her snatch
      Had a catch that would latch
    - She could only be screwed by Houdini.        <internal rhyme>

    There was a young lady from Wheeling
    Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
      But a cynic named Boris
      Just touched her clitoris
    And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

    A marine being sent to Hong Kong
    Got a doctor to alter his dong.
      He sailed off with a tool
      Flat and thin as a rule -
    When he got there he found he was wrong.    <folklore>

    There was a young girl from East Lynn
    Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
      Had filled up her crack
      With hard-setting shellac,
    But the boys picked it out with a pin.

    There was a young girl named Saphire
    Who succumbed to her lovers desire.
      She said, "It's a sin,
      But now that it's in,
    Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

    There was a young lady named Nelly
    Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
      They could tickle her twat
      Or be tied in a knot,
    And could even swat flies on her belly.

    There once was a girl named Priscilla
    Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
      The taste was so fine
      Man and beast stood in line
    (Including a stud armadilla).

    There was an old man from Duluth
    Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
      He fucked with his nose
      Or his fingers and toes
    And he came thru a hole in his tooth.        <unlikely>

    There was a young lady from Rheims
    Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
      A friend poked around
      And a fly-button found
    Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.

    There was a young sailor from Brighton
    Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un."
      She replied, "'Pon my soul,
      You're in the wrong hole
    There's plenty of room in the right'un."

    There was a gay countess of Bray,
    And you may think it odd when I say,
      That in spite of high station,
      Rank and education,
    She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.

    There was an old man of Connaught
    Whose prick was remarkably short.
      When he got into bed,
      The old woman said,
    "This isn't a prick, it's a wart "

    There was a young lass from Surat.
    The cheeks of her ass were so fat
      That they had to be parted
      Whenever she farted,
    And also whenever she shat.

    There was a young lady of Gaza
    Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
      The crabs, in a lump,
      Made tracks to her rump -
    This passing parade did amaze her.

    A doctoral student from Buckingham
    Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
      But a dropout from paree
      Taught him Gamahuchee
    - so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.    <higher education>

    There was a young woman of Cheadle,
    Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
      Said she, "Does it itch?"
      "It does, you damned bitch,
    And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."

    There was a poor parson from Goring,
    Who made a small hole in his flooring,
      Fur-lined it all round,
      Then laid on the ground,
    And declared it was cheaper than whoring.    <economic deprivation>

    A potter who lived in Bombay
    Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
      But the heat of his prick
      Kilned the damn thing to brick
    And chafed all his foreskin away.        <murphy's law>

    On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
    His girl got a yen for fellatio.
      As she sucked on his dingus
      He tried cunnilingus
    But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.        <police brutality>

    There was a young man of Calcutta,
    Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
      When he got to c-u,
      A pious Hindoo
    Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.    <anti-graffiti>

    There was a young man of Bombay
    Who buggered his dad once a day.
      He said, "I like, rather,
      Fucking my father --
    He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."    <all in the family>

    There once was a fellow named Bob
    Who in sexual ways was a snob.
      One day he was swimmin'
      With twelve naked women
    And deserted them all for a gob.

    An exotic young lady named Suki
    Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
      When asked for a fuck
      She said, "Solly, no luck--
    See here: looky looky, no nuki "        <inscrutable oriental>

    One evening a guru had coitus
    With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
      When asked what position
      He used for coition,
    He answered serenely, "the loetus."        <transcendental meditation>

    A pious young lady of Chichester
    Made all of the saints in their niches stir
      And each morning at matin
      Her breast in pink satin
    Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.

    There was a young lady at sea
    Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
      Said the brawny old mate,
      "That accounts for the state
    Of the cook and the captain and me."

    Said a pornographistic young poet
    "Although I perhaps do not show it,
      My interest in sin
      Is wearing quite thin,
    And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."

    There was a young fellow named Grant
    Who was made like the sensitive plant.
      When they asked "Do you fuck?"
      He replied, "No such luck.
    I would if I could, but I can't."        <botanical>

    There was a young monk of Dundee
    Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
      He said, "Pax vobiscum,
      Now why won't the piss come?
    I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."

    A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
    Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
      To arrest his regard
      She would squat in his yard
    And longingly pee in the sneaux.

    There was a young woman, quite handsome,
    Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
      When she offered much gold
      For release, she was told
    That the view was worth more than the ransom.

    There was a young man from Bengal
    Who claimed he had only one ball,
      But two little bitches
      Pulled down this man's breeches
    And proved he had nothing at all.

    Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
    And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
      How they lift the frock
      And tickle the cock
    Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?

    There was a young lady from Wooster        <ounce of prevention>
    Who complained that too many men gooster.
      So she traded her scanties
      For sandpaper panties,
    Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.

    A weary old lecher named Blott
    Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
      Too lazy to rape her,
      He made darts out of paper,
    Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.

    An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
    Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
      She was finally the prize
      Of a man twice her size
    And all she recalls is the ache.        <just desserts>

    A gifted young fellow from Sparta
    Was widely renowned as a farta'.
      He could fart anything
      From "Of Thee I Sing,"
    To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."        <musical virtuosity>

    A deep-throated virgin named Netty
    Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
      She said, "It tastes nice,
      Much better than rice,
    Though not quite as good as spaghetti."

    There was a young man of Lake Placid
    Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
      When he wanted to sport
      He would have to resort
    To injections of sulphuric acid.

    A certain young sheik of Algiers
    Said to his harem, "My dears,
      Though you may think it odd of me,
      I'm tired of just sodomy
    Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers)

    An ambitious lady named Harriet
    Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
      By seventeen sailors
      A monk and three tailors,
    Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.

    The old archeologist, Throstle,
    Discovered a marvelous fossil.
      He knew from its bend
      And the knot on the end,
    T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.

    "Well, madam," the bishop declared,
    While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
      "'Twere better, perhaps,
      In the crypt or the apse,
    Because sex in the nave must be shared."

    The kings of Peru were the Incas,
    Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
      They worshipped the sun
      And had lots of fun,
    But the peasants all thought they were stincas.    <clean>

    There was a young lady named Cager
    Who, as the result of a wager,
      Consented to fart
      The entire oboe part
    Of Mozart's quartet in F major.            <musical virtuosity>

    A whimsical fellow named Bloch
    Could beat the base drum with his cock.
      With a special erection
      He could play a selection
    From Johann Sebastian Bach.            <musical virtuosity>

    There was an old man of Hong Kong
    Who never did anything wrong.
      He would lie on his back
      With his head in a sack
    And secretly finger his dong.            <well,almost never>

    Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
    By all of the lads in his class
      He said, with a yawn,
      "Now the novelty's gone
    And it's only a pain in the ass."

    A lad, at his first copulation,
    Cried, "What a sensation!  Inflation,
      Gyration, elation
      Throughout the duration,
    I guess I'll give up masturbation."        <growing up>

    A charmer from old Amarillo,
    Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
      Decided one day
      That to keep men away
    She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.    <ounce of prevention>

    A dentist, young doctor Malone,
    Got a charming girl patient alone,
      And, in his depravity,
      Filled the wrong cavity.
    God, how his practice has grown.

    There was a young lady named Alice
    Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
      'Twas the common belief
      It was done for relief,
    And not out of protestant malice.

    A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
    Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
      As quick as a glance
      He stripped off his pants,
    But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.

    A lady from Old Little Rock
    In fidelity took little stock,
      And deserted her man
      In the streets of Japan
    For a boy with a prehensile cock.    <when opportunity knocks>

    There was a young lady from Munich
    Who had an affair with a eunuch.
      At the height of their passion
      He dealt her a ration
    From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.

    An impish young fellow named James
    Had a passion for idiot games.
      He lighted the hair
      Of his lady's affair
    And laughed as she pissed through the flames.    <pyromania thwarted>

    A cabin boy on an old clipper
    Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
      He plugged up his ass
      With fragments of glass
    And thus circumcised his old skipper.


To a whore a young fellow named Clyde
Said, "I'll pay if new sex you provide."
   Her glass eye she took out
   And she said, "Without doubt,
Here's a fuck that you never have tried."

He gave her the dough from his pocket
And his prick he slipped into the socket.
   Before he could blink
   She gave it a wink
And his pecker went off like a rocket.

"My God!" shouted Clyde as he blew,
"I must have another such screw.
   For more cash I must go."
   And the harlot said, "So,
I'll be keeping an eye out for you."

       [from _3024 Dirty Limericks_, Bell Publishing, Albin Chaplin editor]

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